26 March 2020

As some of you may know, when I get any kind of respiratory ailment, it usually turns into some kind of bronchial infection, with asthmatic symptoms. I had been fighting a sinus infection for over a month, which is now gone, but I’m left with “viral wheezing”. The National Health System is stretched so thin at this point, many medical centers are closed until further notice, including mine. 

Phone consultations are done, with the purpose of limiting exposure for both healthy and unhealthy people. After my phone consultation, I was told that several prescriptions would be filled for me at the chemist’s that I use. I called the chemist early this morning to see if the prescriptions were ready, but no one answered. Thinking I would chance it, I headed down the mountain just before 11am, parked the van, and walked around the block. There was a line (or queue) of about 15 people, each standing 6 feet apart from the other, waiting on the chemist. The first person in the queue was spoken to, and the chemist’s assistant would then go in to either find or fill the order. One customer at a time was allowed in. 

At 12:09 the chemist came out and told us they would be going on break at “half 12, until half 1”. There were only two people ahead of me when the automatic shutters lowered and locked. “That’s their subtle hint” my neighbor said. I left with no meds. My housemate and I headed to the grocery store to do another shop. Then back up to the mountain we went. We were hungry, and felt like we had been out in public long enough.

This evening we got a message that tomorrow is when our incubation period will be met, more people will test positive, increasing the chance of spreading covid-19 to others who may not yet have it. I know my asthmatic cough will worry people, and I have been thinking about my own immune system. I will admit to some anxiety, but I need to briefly head back out tomorrow to get my medications. Any delivery services I could be using are no longer taking on new customers, and some are booked until mid to late April. Every system is currently over worked and runs the risk of imploding. I know some of you will find this all provoking, and I apologize. But you also know I’m not a risk taker. We’ll stand 6 feet apart, and we’ll be outside. 

We are no longer allowed to drive to parks or other open areas to walk dogs or get exercise. I am thankful to be on a mountain with sheep and cows and other friendly neighbors. I’ve got plenty of food, and a nice man at Sainsbury’s ran and got me a bottle of whiskey when I couldn’t find it, so I could make hot toddies. That thing is going to last me until I leave in July, that’s for sure. Tonight, my housemate and I stood and cheered on the balcony at our center, in solidarity with the NHS workers who are on the front lines. Belfastians love any excuse to set off fireworks, but it was beautiful this evening, and I felt connected to the larger community, even on top of the mountain, away from it all. 

I’ve posted a video on Facebook that was made in Belfast, showing quiet and desolate streets, empty of most people and activity. The narrator equated staying in and staying away from each other as an act of love. A caring and loving act for those we know as well as for those we don’t know. It feels powerful and hopeful, and it helps me to feel like I am doing something necessary. I will hold this responsibility intentionally and at the forefront when I wait for my medications outside tomorrow. Retrieving my meds is a caring and loving act I have to give to myself. I need the antidepressant, the antibiotic, and the albuterol to heal and remain healthy.

But I can’t help feeling guilty.