I am sitting with some deep sadness today, and lots of not knowing. The only not-knowing that is bothering me, is the not knowing of when I’ll see my daughter again. Life plans complicated by covid have put a hold on any arrangements we could be making.
My time in Belfast is done, and I’m looking forward to seeing my Belfast people again, whenever I return. Took a day trip up to vet the dog one last time, and it felt warm and familiar. I think I can finally find my way around a bit without my GPS. It only took a year. Good stuff.
BFF back in the states booked a car service for me, once I land. Not feeling confident about driving on the “other side” of the road, after a year of navigating the UK and Ireland. Two booked suitcases (each under 30 kilos, thank you very much), 2 carry-ons, and a dog in a super large crate – loading all into a rented car? On my own? I do not imagine much success. Not for the first 12 hours of my arrival, I should think. It will feel strange to get behind the wheel of my own car, as it is.
I feel like the hard part is finishing up – saying goodbye. Daughter and I have already texted several times. Close, but different. Communicating long distance. All the other things – getting a phone (cell, landline, both?), making sure I have electric at my new place, how do I set up the tv? All that pragmatic stuff will help me to re-acclimate.
I don’t have an accent, which some people thought I’d have. I am using the language though. “Thank yeh…. Have yeh not?… Do yeh not?… Hiya!… That’s us, nigh… Thanks, love”…. “Fer fucks sake” is of course, my favorite. It currently can’t be helped and will all fade eventually. I hope I don’t stop saying “chicken” and “birdie” as pet names. Just a sweet thing.
This is all turning into a bit of stream of consciousness, I apologize.
I feel this year has been one of deep psychic and emotional rest and rebuilding. I learned how another community supports mums and children. In thinking about the people I’ve been working with this last year, I’m reminded of the book Mountains Beyond Mountains. In no other way, but the idea that if things seem impossible, you can either commit yourself to doing something about it or enlist others to help you do something about it. There is no “not-doing”.
I learned that engaging in redundant activities can kill your spirit and stamina, but that repetition and routines can save you. It has been confirmed that I do best when I live alone. I learned that communities can mirror each other, but that the most progress is reached when we hold steady to collaborative goals, rather than copied behaviors. I also saw that just because ideals and values are different, doesn’t mean they don’t have merit.
I’ll see more as my time in Belfast gets further away.
Pro tanto quid retribuamus; in return for so much, what shall we give back.
Addendum, 31 August 2020
Today is my official last day of sabbatical. It has been quite a process getting myself back into the swing of things. I miss my daughter and Belfast very much. I am comforted by the closeness of my son and my best friends. I am not sure what life will bring next, but I feel as ready as I can be. I loved my sabbatical, and I see more clearly what I am capable of, what I want, and what I need. It’s been a very good year.
Brooklyn to Belfast 